Pulling Back the Curtain on Narcissistic Abuse
I recently read a quote, “An untold story never heals. It just festers until it comes out in unwanted behavior.” I write this today as a survivor. I write this today because the last thing I need in my life is unwanted behavior. I think you’d agree there is enough of that in this world already. If you are currently experiencing conflict or have survived the hurts and wounds of an unhealthy church atmosphere, I’m telling my story with the intent that you’ll be comforted, inspired and given hope. The hope needed to make it through one more day, one more hour and even those times hope is needed to endure one more minute.
As a survivor, I’ve resolved to live the rest of my life serving the Lord healed and whole. It’s because of the grace of Jesus, I can take back my life and write the narrative of my story of abuse and recovery so others can see the faithfulness of God. By documenting my journey of healing via writing and video, it’s enabled me to safeguard any unwanted behavior that may result in me hurting others. Knowing I was wounded, I was afraid of becoming a wounder. My purpose is to be a voice of the indescribable healing power of Christ, while offering hope and clarity for those who suffer in silence.
I recorded myself on February 27, 2015 one day after my first counseling appointment and have it here for you to watch. I have more videos documenting my journey. Deep down in my soul I felt my story may help some one. I watch this vlog now and notice how TIRED and EXHAUSTED I was at this time of my journey. I was still shaking the sadness and seeking to understand what was happening to me. (This was recorded 6 months after my family left the church)
I consider myself a “Seasoned Saint.” I am part of the older generation in my church and I believe God allowed my life storms so the younger generation can learn from. One such storm that’s guaranteed in this lifetime is the experience of intense pain inflicted by betrayal, rejection, grief, or you “fill in the blank.” Relief from that pain becomes the primary obsession of the victim. I compare my search for healing of my hurt heart like that of a drug addict looking for their next fix. Or like a mom searching for her child that has been abducted. It was my obsession to understand my circumstance and be better. Healing, peace and forgiveness became the finish line I strived to cross every single day.
This pain however is magnified to a confusing degree when its source comes from the Church. By the leadership you trusted. By the very people you’ve prayed with, served with, labored with, admired, respected, loved, and done life with. I so relate to the words of Anne Graham Lotz in her book Wounded by God’s People:
“Those who have been most hurtful, those who have been the most unkind, those who have betrayed, slandered, and undermined me have been those who have called themselves by God’s name.”
After serving at my local church for 23 years, I was compelled to walk away in August of 2014. I was not fired. I resigned. I could no longer be associated with the decisions that were being made by the leadership. The decisions were not biblical and my conscious was getting the best of me. I struggled with resigning since, wait for it… 2007. I’m not proud that I stayed seven years longer than I should have, but now I understand WHY I did.
I’ve been diagnosed as being Spiritually Abused. A term not well known but the practice is wide spread. As soon as I heard those two words come out of the mouth of my counselor, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and an immediate relief of distress.
No more rationalizing it, defending it, ignoring it, excusing it or covering it up. The weight of seven years consumed with confusion and shame immediately lifted off my shoulders. It’s like I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put words to it. I have beaten myself up wondering why I didn’t leave that church when I first witnessed the sin. I was abused by narcissism and frozen with fear. Uncovering and naming my problem was like sitting in the doctors office thinking you have a terminal disease, but then the doctor diagnoses you as simply having the flu. Heavy sigh right?? There is nothing like the gift of CLARITY.
As I dove head first into researching my diagnoses, I’ve found that churches across America have swept this issue under the preverbal rug. I’ve also discovered that many people who are aware of this type of abuse are afraid to talk about this subject due to many factors. People don’t want to believe that someone they admire, especially a Pastor, is capable of abusing others. Denial, denial, denial. Across the nation, church leaders are hurting others as they hide behind the mask of position and authority. Why isn’t something being done? People fear change. People don’t want to be the one who calls someone out. People have been deceived to think their need for a leader supersedes taking a stand for what is right and wrong. This line of thinking overpowers them and they end up compromising what’s right in order to keep the status quo and not interrupt their comfortable routine of life.
One detrimental factor that the enemy uses in today’s church community is fear. Fear is paralyzing. Fear is clever. Fear and complacency caused me to compromise the very principles I believed in and taught to children and their parents. My fears overwhelmed me and got my eyes off of the promises of Jesus.
-The fear of thinking that no one would believe me.
-The fear of leaving the families I’ve nurtured without a leader.
-The fear of misleading families by leaving the church without exposing the true reason.
-The fear of not providing financially for my family.
-The fear of committing social suicide by leaving friends of 23 years.
2 Tim 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
I read that scripture on this side of my situation and it’s so clear. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate within me years ago, but I understand all that was attacking me and all that I was navigating just to survive, hindered my ability to make proper decisions.
There are many things that have helped me on my healing journey but reading the definitions of Spiritual Abuse was the best resource that jumpstarted my road to being whole again. With each sentence I read, validation and redemption swelled up inside of me, as I had a clearer and deeper understanding of what I had endured.
It’s difficult to describe what happened to me. So I have provided the exact definitions that blessed me and here’s praying they bless you:
Defining Spiritual Abuse
Jeff VanVonderan, author of Soul Repair writes: “Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.”
Dr. Ronald Enroth, Professor of Sociology at Westmont College, defines spiritual and pastoral abuse this way:
“Spiritual abuse takes place when leaders to whom people look for guidance and spiritual nurture use their positions of authority to manipulate, control, and dominate.”
Dayna Drum, contributing author at revelantmagazine.com wrote:
“Spiritual abuse is similar to other types of abuse, but it’s committed under the banner of spirituality. It can be subtle or painfully loud—anything from unquestioned pastoral authority, to practices of shaming members if they don’t fulfill religious expectations, to badmouthing members who have left.”
In the book Healing Spiritual Abuse, Ken Blue compares other types of abuse with spiritual abuse:
“Abuse of any type occurs when someone has power over another and uses that power to hurt. Physical abuse means that someone exercises physical power over another, causing physical wounds. Sexual abuse means that someone exercises sexual power over another, resulting in sexual wound. And spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds.”
Another definition of the term spiritual abuse is found in the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen and it states:
“Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.”
How I wish I could see your face as you read the above definitions. Some of you may not even realize you’re in an abusive situation until the clarity found here in these definitions. You are not alone. You are not going crazy. You ARE seeing it right.
All in all, Spiritual Abuse is when someone in a key leadership position at church manipulates and takes advantage of you for their personal gain. The abuser has worked hard at mastering the skill of manipulation. The deceit and maneuvers are effectively subtle that you are unaware you are being used. Because of your respect of their position, you assume they are above doing wrong and are above sinning in the manner in which you have witnessed. They have covertly earned your trust, which causes you to dismiss the sin, believing they are held accountable by others. But often never are…
What do you do next?
Talk about it!!! Talk about what has been honestly going on with a trusted colleague, friend or family member. Strongly consider counseling. Getting help from a reputable Christian counselor is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe Christ gifted those individuals for such a time as this.
I learned that your abuser is counting on you to NOT talk about it. It is one of the things they know about you. They are well aware that you are concerned about the image of the church that you’ll keep its secret. You see, if you keep the church’s secret, you will conveniently keep their secret too. I was manipulated in this exact way. Trust that the Lord of the universe is BIG enough to handle your situation. The church belongs to our Savior, not the pastor or leadership. Talking and processing your experience is healthy and it is your first step to recovery and healing.
1 Corinthians 3:11-13
“For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if any man builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each man’s work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man’s work.…”
A good friend of mine, who served on staff with me for ten years, reminded me that all the ministry I built in the past, under the stress and unhealthy circumstances was built with hay and straw. Pastor Eric McPherson witnessed first hand what I endured and went on to explain that if fire was put to the Kingdom work of that time period, it wouldn’t stand the heat and would burn away. He encouraged me that in the new chapter of my life, to focus on rebuilding using precious stones, as those stones will withstand the heat of the fire and persevere because Jesus is the foundation.
I’m led to believe that this blog/vlog is one of my precious stones. There many teachable moments I know the Lord wants to use relating to my story and to try to fit them here in one post would not do them justice. Please stay tuned as I piece them together with each upcoming post. I covet your prayers and comments as my intent is to give comfort to those who are hurting and confused. There’s hope in our Lord and He will meet your needs and shelter you in your storm. He did it for me. Healing and feeling myself again didn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that needs to run its course. Decide to lie down at the feet of Jesus and allow our Savior to save you. Victory is around the corner…I promise!
Spiritual Abuse Links:
Soul Repair and The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Jeff VanVonderen
http://www.jeffvanvonderen.com
Dayna Drum Article – “It’s Time to Address Spiritual Abuse”
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/its-time-address-spiritual-abuse-church
http://www.spiritualabuseawareness.com
This link from Truth Guard helped me navigate my last few months on staff. “Should I Confront My Pastor”
http://www.truthguard.com/Articles/answering-the-question-should-i-confront-my-pastor-a64.html
10 Ways to Spot Spiritual Abuse
http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/155481-10-ways-to-spot-spiritual-abuse.html
Facebook Pages to like:
Spiritual Abuse Recovery
Spiritual Abuse Awareness
Follow my Spiritual Abuse Recovery board on Pinterest
Surviving Spiritual Abuse from a Narcissistic Leader-How to Know if You’re Dealing With a Narcissist
When we are in pain, the only thing we seek is RELIEF. Relief from a headache, the pinch of a splinter, the throbbing of a stubbed toe and the aching from a slaughtered heart of betrayal.
We know ibuprofen can cure a headache. We know as we take the splinter out of our finger, the pain will cease. And after ramming our toe up against the couch, we know the pain will eventually decrease over time.
But what is the remedy for a slaughtered heart? A heart that was carved out of your chest by a rusty jagged knife. A heart held tightly while slapped with hands dripping with betrayal, until unrecognizable and shoved back in, only to be carved out again the next week?
Remedy to my relief and acceleration of my healing began when I started understanding exactly who I was dealing with.
When in the middle of a life storm we cannot see clearly because we’re trying to survive while dodging the debris of emotion swirling around us. For seven years I felt like David running around the castle trying not to get speared by Saul.
When I was lying on a gurney, detoxing and resting…it was during that time when I began to educate myself and learn more about the abuse I suffered. But most importantly, I exhaled and gleaned understanding WHY my abuser did what he did.
If you’re not sure if you’re suffering from the hands of a narcissist, this article titled “7 Things Only Narcissists Do” from Psychology Today may help you identify your situation.
Again for me, as I unpacked my circumstances with my counselor and mentors, I was empowered by His promises and empowered with my understanding I was dealing with a Narcissist.
I was diagnosed as suffering from traumatic loss after serving at the church for 23 years. I was instructed to “grieve” my losses which included; friendships, routine, title, position, influence. It was insanely difficult to NOT try to push through the pain like I’ve always done in the past. This time, I leaned into it.
Ungrieved loss is toxic and its effects will come back stronger in time, prohibiting you from freedom and blinding you to see the plan God has for you.
Understanding narcissism enabled me to feel the full effects of detoxing. Month by month I began to take my life back and it was then I decided I was going to write my OWN narrative and no longer be influenced by the abuse of the past.
I’ve heard it said “Grief always precedes glory.”
Getting to this point of healing took time and discipline. My faith muscle was broken down then built back up time after time. Triggers of the past and monumental waves of grief would splash over me but I remembered how the Lord provided for Joseph, led Samuel to David, rescued Daniel and sought out Hagar. I believed the Lord would do the same for me.
Here’s a quote in my bible:
It took a resolve to not sit in pity but to sit in His Word. To camp out in the very presence of Christ. To decide, decide, decide to show the world our God is big enough to get me through all I had endured.
God surely uses all things for His purposes and glory.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20
It’s empowering to recognize God allowed our trials…for life altering reasons presently revealed or shown to us on the other side of heaven.
I pray this entry offers you hope and becomes a tool you can use on your road to recovery.
Workshops and Training Topics
WORKSHOP LISTINGS AND TRAINING TOPICS
Leadership Workshops
• Women In Leadership: Effective Strategies For Impactful Small Group Ministry
- 5 Reasons Why You Don’t Have Enough Volunteers
- 5 Hidden Factors That Impact Your Ministry, Work and Relationships
- 5 Ways to Win Every Sunday Morning
- 5 Regrettable (But Common) Ways Parents Set Up Their Kids to Fail
- 5 Ways Ministry Wins After Disruption & Re-Opening
- 5 Ways to Stay True to Your Calling
- 5 Strategies to Raise Children Who Love Jesus
- 5 Best Ways to Develop Relationships With the Families You Serve
- 6 Ways Leaders Ambush Themselves
- 7 Things Every Volunteer Needs to Know
- 10 Proven Strategies to Develop Relationships with Parents and Children
- Advice on How to Attract, Engage and Keep Volunteers
- Alarmed by Fear Assured by Faith – Insights from the Prophet Samuel
- Benefits of Self Awareness
- Best Practices for Success in Ministry
- Best Practices to Leverage Social Media in Ministry
- Best Practices to Increase Your Leadership Capacity
- Best Ways to Attract, Train and Keep Your Volunteers
- Best Ways to Prepare to Teach Sunday School
- Developing a Leadership Team Concept
- Engaging Children From Start To Finish During Worship And In the Classroom
- Engaging Kids in Worship
- From the Pit to the Palace: A Lesson on Obedience
- Good Teachers Becoming Great Teachers
- How to Best Share God’s Truth With Children
- How to Keep Your Volunteers Coming Back for More
- How to Engage & Lead Kid’s Worship
- How to Effectively Minister to Families of 2025
- Identifying Your Strengths in Ministry and Why it Matters
- Insights on Transition – Best Practices as You Leave or Begin
- Interactive Solutions to Church Conflict
- Leading With Strength When Feeling Weak
- Navigating Generational Changes in Ministry
- Parenting That Leaps Over Common Pitfalls
- Plan Something for Them or They’ll Plan Something for You
- Pulling Back the Curtain on Spiritual Abuse – My Story of Redemption
- Some Advice on Becoming a TEAM Player
- Some Advice on How to Best Prepare to Teach Sunday School
- Surviving Spiritual Abuse
- Team Teaching
- Timeless Secrets to Classroom Management
- What Every Children’s Teacher Needs to Know
- What to Do When Your Life is Interrupted
Praying For Leilani’s Path
My time here in Alabama is coming to an end. I’m soaking up all the snuggles and have taken like, a kabillion photos & videos in the hopes they will soothe my Mimi heart in the times when I’ll miss her back in California.
As I hold Leilani Rae, staring into her hopefully green eyes…I pray. And as her snorts, toots and big yawns have captured my heart, I’ve had to catch myself.
I look at these sweet feet, curious of the path the Lord has for her and wondering if I’ll live on this side of heaven long enough to watch His plans for her unfold.
I pray the following:
I pray these feet are led to know Jesus as her Savior, respecting His word and living a life that pleases Him.
I pray for each Sunday school teacher that has the privilege of teaching Leilani, that they commit to praying and intentionally prep for the lesson they are to share with her.
I pray these feet steer clear of the path of disappointment and betrayal.
I pray these feet will be found walking in uncompromising obedience.
I pray these feet will be led to Godly friends and embrace biblical influences void of judging others.
I pray the Word of God will be the light that illuminates her way.
I pray she’ll walk in radical obedience with courage and confidence to change the world.
I pray her feet will not run away from Christ when faced with adversity.
I pray Leilani will stand. Finding joy marinating in the promises of her Savior.
I pray Leilani will not walk away from the ordinary things that God will use to get her attention.
I pray that she’ll never experience a slaughtered heart.
I pray she will find “the one whom her soul loves” and right now, his parents are praying for her.
Being a first time “Grandma” or “Mimi” in my case, I felt an urgency of wanting to do something for Leilani. That’s what any obsessed, extra, living 2,000 miles away Mimi does right?? Dedicate a room in my home to her, buy a high chair and extra pack and play for her. Her Poppy, Simon, has already looked into playground equipment for the ranch.
I wanted to accomplish something during my stay in Alabama so I decided to cover her in prayer.
However, I caught myself frantically praying for the Lord’s PROTECTION from harm and any type of physical emotional hurt. I don’t want her heart broken as mine was. I don’t want her to feel the deep disparaging, gut wrenching despair of disappointment, grief or betrayal. I wanted the Lord to keep her from being let down and to guard her soul from the sting of broken promises.
Shame on me. I should’ve be praying with the spirit of PROVISION in mind. For the Lord to deposit into Leilanis life heavenly wisdom and guidance. Provision she can call upon when her world is turned upside down. Provision for Charlie and Ilyssa’s life to be the Godly example she needs and for their words to be seasoned and reflect His word. Provision for her to know the faithfulness of Christ and that all we suffer and endure is survivable through Him.
I had to pause and confess I was praying away situations that the Lord may actually welcome in Leilanis life. He will use those times of disappointments and heartbreak to build the necessary character within her. A type of character that God only knows she’ll need in the future He has planned for her. He knows what is coming her way.
There are times I can’t wrap my head around the level of hurt I’ve suffered. And surprisingly in the same breath I give the Lord the glory for it and for bringing me THROUGH IT.
What can I leave for Leilani Rae? I can leave her the legacy of Christ’s faithfulness. My prayer is that she can see the fingerprints of God in my life, in the good times and bad times. May Leilani know His promises are true and God is never early, nor late, but always on time. God is faithful to grant the desires of our hearts even to the point of overflowing, in His timing.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.“1 Peter 5:10
So Father, will you lead the sweet feet of Leilani Rae down the paths that YOU desire for her? Because Lord, you are enough and you know what is best. Other people’s poor decisions that affect us have no influence on your sovereign plans for us. Forgive me Lord from wanting to protect her from what you’re able handle and use to help her grow into the woman you designed her to be
Mimi loves you Leilani Rae and can’t wait to watch you change the world.
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a PATHWAY through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
How To Leave a Narcissistic Environment
This video brought so much clarity to my situation and helped me understand why I didn’t leave my unhealthy environment earlier than I did. I thought a “meeting” with talking points was the way to get out. Praise the Lord I left swiftly without setting myself up to fail and without trying to compete with the mastered skill he possesses…MANIPULATION.
Your situation is unique. Your situation may differ from others who’ve endured abuse. The main thing is, it’s YOUR story and healing journey. It matters! It’s your reality and the Lord uses all things to work together for good.
Gleaning from Author Paul David Tripp’s book “New Morning Mercies,” he explains that the storms of your life are not in the way of God’s plans…they are a tool of it.
He asks,
- What in the world is God doing right here, right now?
- How in the world should I respond to what God is doing?
Tripp answers and directs us to the way James answers in James 1:2-12
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.
God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
Tripp reminds us, “He is employing the difficulties of life as tools of grace to produce character in you that would not grow any other way.”
May you grow as you heal and reflect our Lord and Savior.
May you continue to experience the gift of clarity to your situation. All of this is survivable. Stay aligned with Jesus and accept His work of grace in your life.
Need prayer? Please don’t hesitate to email me KidMin.Kelli@gmail.com
An Open Letter About Infidelity.
It’s time to address publicly what has happened privately within my precious family. With a heavy sigh I write the following…
In 2008 I found out from 1995 to 2008 Ernie was having an affair. I chose to forgive him, we entered counseling and with ferocious intent, I fought through years of mixed emotions to keep my family together. However, to no avail, he cheated on me again with a different woman in 2017. I knew then as I knew in 2008, I was biblically released and this time I’ve acted accordingly.
In the effort of trying to protect my children from broken hearts, they didn’t know about his sin from the first betrayal. However this time, my faith was stretched to the extreme and I surrendered my fear. I told the kids about both episodes of infidelity and that I was divorcing their father. It’s awfully humbling, humiliating, and embarrassing to admit that 22 of the 26 years of our marriage was composed of deceit and littered with unfaithfulness.
But it is what it is.
This isn’t heaven yet and we serve a faithful Lord. Through this trial I leaned hard into the promise of Philippians 1:6 and found encouragement by the words of author Debbie Alsdorf that “God’s plans for me are not thwarted because of other people’s bad decisions.” And honestly, I’m embracing the truth in Genesis 50:20 “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…” I’ve prayed and resolved to be better not bitter.
As I look forward, entering my tomorrows, it’s by the provisional grace of the Lord I have literally “found the one whom my soul loves,” who has identically experienced a broken heart due to the sin of betrayal. Instead of a living a life made up of suspect, lies, doubt and unfaithfulness, the Lord has answered my prayers by placing Simon in my life. He is an example of a Christ following man who’s shown me what genuine agape love is. I’m now experiencing that incomparable love, uninhibited honesty, sold out support and everything else that goes along with a Christ centered relationship described in Ephesians 5.
I must say, I do wholeheartedly hope the best for Ernie and of course, words cannot express how ever so grateful I am for our three precious children.
To all my friends who are silent or public victims of a life storm, who grieve what you once had, and grieve what you thought your future held…I commend you. I’m impressed by how bravely you’ve carried your story with the utmost courage being careful not to divulge the humiliating occurrence you’ve suffered. It’s a lonely place isn’t it? There were a few choice people and mentors in whom I respected and felt comfortable sharing my shame with and I knew they’d pray and intercede for me. If I may encourage you, pray for a seasoned Saint to confide in. The enemy rather have you wallow alone in isolation, so don’t give him an environment to thrive in. There’s victory in prayer and biblical wisdom. Push through the feelings of despair and reach out. THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT. God already has someone in mind to come along side you and help you through your journey of healing.
There were numerous passages in God’s Word that helped me the past couple of decades but the one I can share for now is in Joseph’s story in Genesis. Reading about Joseph and in particular, noticing his response to his trials, was medicine to my soul. The very acts intended to destroy Joseph turned out to strengthen him. That’s what I can say about my life. My heart was “rubbed raw against the rocks of disloyalty” but time after time again God redeemed my pain.
I realize there’s a blessing in pain. Pain gets our attention. Pain causes us to adjust so we have relief from what is bothering us. Like a shoe or belt that’s too tight. Pain lets us know something needs to change. Pain forced me to make a much needed decision that would effect my future until heaven fills my eyes. I’ve read that “Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you once made. If you want a different outcome, make a different choices.” Suffering helped me redirect my focus. I’m ashamed that I kept a secret from family and cherished friends and I regret wearing an “I’m okay” mask for years. My dearest friends Randy and Nikki told me recently, “I don’t know how you kept it together” and my reply was simply “It was Jesus.” I was able to face each morning by accepting my circumstances were orchestrated by God. In Isaiah 48:10 we read, “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.” Daily deciding to live above my circumstances, not under them is how I learned about the sovereignty and greatness of my God.
Max Lucado writes a lot of wisdom filled sayings and he said it best… “Satan weaves, God reweaves.” I know right this second, there are some of you reading this who are dealing with the sting of betrayal and fear has gripped the very inside of your soul. You are either in the middle of discovery, coming out and now at the end of the long road of healing after discovery or even worse… just discovered the infidelity. No matter what stage you find yourself in, my prayer is that you can experience God’s comfort and cling to the hope only He can give you at this time. May you hear the voice of Christ above all others and know that this storm as tragic as it seems….it is survivable. “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
“But God!” A Lesson About Moving Forward After Loss
I spoke at the “Bakersfield Gives Thanks” event on November 4th and the Women’s Club of Bakersfield was full of people from different denominations and cultures. I made new friends that night but it was a blessing to be reunited with old friends too.
In particular, I saw a mom whose children went to junior high and high school with my children. Nneka and I have seen each other throughout the years at school functions at our son’s tennis events. But this time when our eyes met, I had no words. I was overcome with emotion.
You see this was the first time I’ve seen her since her 15 year old son Nedu went home to be with the Lord last summer. My friend Nikki happened to capture the moment:
Typically when a friend loses a loved one, WE are the ones consoling, hugging, loving them through the grief.
However, that night I experienced and witnessed true healing. Nneka was consoling me!!
I remember looking at her and reaching out my arms to her.
I had no words. My ugly cry face in the photo above communicated how sorry I was for her loss of a son gone too soon.
She looked at me square in the eyes and exclaimed, “I know…I know….BUT GOD!” As tears filled my eyes, she said, “a year ago I would never think I could be here today….BUT GOD!” Tears could not stop flowing. With every breath I took, Nneka kept encouraging me, even saying…”it’s going to be okay…BUT GOD!”
As I sit here typing, I’m filled with emotion again.
What I’m learning on my journey of recovery is our trial isn’t going to last forever. The sting of hurt, in time, doesn’t affect us like it did on day one. Every story has a beginning, middle and an end.
Think about the end.
The end is what you’ll be telling your children. The end is what others who are wounded are most interested in. The end is what brings glory to our Lord.
I heard this quote from William Vanderbloomen, “Will I be healed up? Or damaged goods?”
We cannot control our circumstances, but we can control our response to said circumstances when:
- Churches split.
- Children reject parents.
- Spouses betray.
- Friends move away.
- Life storms challenge our faith.
- Relatives misunderstand.
- We have to say goodbye to loved ones.
Some of us, like Joseph in the Old Testament, are victims of hardship and broken hearts. In the end, Joseph was found “healed up.”
If you are indeed a victim, my advice is to resist the temptation to have a pity party and welcome sympathetic hugs and words of agreement to your situation. The world welcomes an attitude of entitlement and culture teaches us to seek vengeance.
Pray to have a response such as my friend Nneka. Remember this earth is NOT our home and our response to devastating situations is an important testimony to those watching us live out our Christian walk.
Nnekas’ son, Nedu, left this earth at only 15 years old. No parent should out live their child. I know there were times when her weeping became unbearable and her heart literally ached…however her words, “But God!” reminded her and should remind us, God is in every circumstance of our lives.
Genesis 8:1
But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.
Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
2 Timothy 2:9
for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word is not chained.
That evening left me encouraged. I too want to be found like Nneka in the middle of life storms. She is living and moving forward in her new normal only via the grace and promises from our Lord.
Thank you Nneka for inspiring me, being a Godly example and reminding me of God’s undeniable healing power.
Need prayer? kidmin.kelli@gmail.com
Surviving Spiritual & Narcissistic Abuse – There’s a Blessing in Closure
August 19th, 2015 – I fondly remember this day.
If you ever left a job or moved away to another city, the proper thing that usually happens is… you get to say farewell.
Some of you may not have had the opportunity to say goodbye to the church family you served. Don’t fret, this is the plan of the abuser to keep you from exposing them. They do not want you talking or answering the loaded question, “Why are you leaving?”
I’ll never forget the time my husband and I were visiting our son at a Military Prep Academy, NMMI, in Roswell New Mexico. This was about 4 months after I resigned. Kiani had found a church to attend and we were excited to go with him on a Sunday morning.
We sang 3-4 songs then it was time for announcements.
Well. The next 15 minutes were dedicated to saying goodbye to the woman’s director that had served there for the past 30 years.
There were gifts given. Songs sung in her honor. Heartwarming letters read. And the dreaded video of people sharing personal messages of how her life impacted theirs.
I snapped a photo of my view:
With each goodbye I heard, the deeper I sank in my seat. I felt as if I were the only one in the room. A wave of sadness came over me and faces of families from my old church overtook my mind. One by one, by one. I began to weep.
I tried to hide the fact that I was crying as I reached for the box of tissues on the ground. My husband noticed my tears. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and proceeded to hug me and pat me.
Kiani looked over and for a second I caught his eye. His look communicated, “Why are you crying?”
That was the longest 15 minutes ever! I confess, I felt betrayed… again. I admit that I felt I should have at least gotten the chance to say goodbye to my church family. I saw the congregation love on this woman on that stage and they were able to say thank you….they were experiencing closure. I felt ripped off.
On Friday August 15th 2014, we had a staff meeting and the staff was told I gave my 2 week notice and that they will announce to the church that I am leaving. Then on Sunday, August 17th, I was called into his office 10 minutes before service and basically told to go home. (I know now, I was too much of a threat to them and the less time anyone on that campus had with me, the better for them.)
So in New Mexico, I endured watching a heartfelt celebration of this woman’s life and I coveted her feelings. I had wished I could have experienced the blessing of closure.
As Ernie leaned over and said to Kiani, “Mama feels like this should have happened when she left. That’s why the tears.” Then my son put his hand on my knee and proceeded to say something so poignant, “Mom, it would have been so fake.”
Floored! He was absolutely right. My abuser would have had said things about me that he really didn’t mean. It would not have been genuine nor sincere. It would have been 15 minutes of going through the motions and fake smiles all around to support a false narrative that I was leaving on good terms.
The Lord spoke through my son that day. The Lord also gave me the day I speak of in the video. The Lord knew my needs and He knows yours too. I experienced the closure I was seeking in God’s timing, not mine.
May you exhale. May you surrender. May you never loose hope. May you rest in the arms of Christ who is in control. He will never leave you not forsake you. My blessing came a year later, but to God, it was right on time. And that’s all that matters.
Here are the steps that helped me survive Spiritual Abuse:
- Confide in a trusted friend, mentor or counselor. Simply have a conversation about what has been going on in your life. They will be able to identify there’s a struggle that’s unhealthy. They can direct you, pray with you and more importantly become a safe place for you. Talking about it, helps you heal.
- Make a decision to distance yourself from the abusive environment. Leave. Unfollow people on social media. Take a different route to a destination. I treat my abuser like an ex-boyfriend. I got rid of all the things that remind me of the relationship. Why traumatize yourself? Self care is NOT selfish.
- Follow through with the above decision.
- Seek help from a reputable Christian counselor or mentor on a regular basis. This breeds healthy accountability. Now is the time you need to surround yourself with wisdom. There is so much to UNLEARN. There’s healing power in knowing how you are doing week to week or month to month.
- Get educated about Spiritual Abuse and Narcissistic Leaders. The more understanding you have, the less you are influenced and affected by the past. They wanted to keep you in the dark. You will acquire tools to defeat and unlearn things that cause you pain. There will be some reminders that are out of your control, but at least you’ll understand your situation and will be more equipped to handle them.
- Keep a journal either video or written. This helps you document your healing as well as helps you sort out your thoughts. YOU are not the cause of this!
- Surround yourself with other survivors. Spiritual Abuse has been ignored for decades. It has been part of Christian vocabulary recently with the Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill controversy. Not everyone will be able to relate your story. Others that have experienced what you have experienced are the best sounding boards and can offer you the best advice.
- Remember vengeance belongs to the Lord I was a mandated reporter and I fulfilled my duty. However, resist posting on social media your distain and anger. I did not blog for months because I did not want to regret what I wrote. I knew I my emotions were not at a place that would please the Lord. What gives me satisfaction is that everyone will stand before the Lord and give an account of their lives. The Lord knows ALL about our story, the Lord will judge, it’s His battle.
Need prayer or just someone to listen? Email me at kidmin.kelli@gmail.com
I Know This Is God’s Plan, So Why Does My Heart Hurt?
On Mother’s Day, I said farewell to my daughter and son in love as they embark on a 2-3 year adventure in South Korea. Did you know Korea is 13 different time zones away from California? Did you know that South Korea is literally on the other side of the world? And, Korea is 16 hours ahead of the Pacific time zone? I never thought I would ever want to know those facts.
In the past two years I have suddenly become a proud military mama. My youngest son is attending the United States Merchant Marine Academy and last December Ilyssa married Charlie, a 2014 West Point Grad. Charlie is now proudly serving our country abroad after graduating from Army Aviation School at Fort Rucker Alabama this past March. He is a Chinook helicopter pilot. Whoo Hoo!
When they were dating and eventually engaged and then married, It was crystal clear to Ernie and I that Ilyssa and Charlie would not live in Central California and that they would be traveling where ever the Army sends them. I knew, I knew, I knew.
Just like we know the following:
- We know our children will graduate from high school and possibly move away to attend college.
- We know our kids will move out and start a family of their own someday.
- We know their room will be empty.
- We know there will be no more recitals or games to attend.
- We know we won’t be able to smell them.
- We know it’ll be quiet around the house.
- We know our simple weekly routines like grocery shopping or to Target will remind us of them.
- And oh, we now know how grateful we are for today’s technology.
If we know all of that…WHY DOES IT STILL HURT WHEN WE SAY GOODBYE??? I thought I was prepared but my head knowledge wasn’t syncing with my heart knowledge.
Part of the problem is that I have said goodbyes in the past and I knew the hurt that was ahead of me. I knew that sinking feeling of a swollen heart. I know the heaviness and huge lump that would once again take residence in my throat. Ilyssa moved to The Master’s College in 2010, my daddy passed away in 2013 and Kiani has moved to New Mexico and moved to New York last summer.
All throughout the day on Sunday, I caught myself praying and trying to pump myself up for the hug and kiss goodbye. We did a little Mama / Daughter bonding and got pedicures. I brought a 12 inch Smith’s Cookie to help celebrate the 3 birthdays that we would be physically missing.
But as morning became the afternoon and afternoon became the evening our hugs got a bit longer. My breaths became a bit deeper. I wanted to shut down the ticking time clock that was the elephant in the room. I even thought let’s just get this over with.
I was mentally trying to prepare myself like a batter with an 0-2 count or when I have to make an awkward but necessary phone call. “Deep breaths. It’ll be okay in few days. This is God’s plan,” was the mantra in my mind.
I cried for the first hour and a half of our trip home. Not gonna lie, I was a blubbering idiot. My son Jordan drove home and was so sweet, patting and holding my hand, attempting to console me. I remember saying, “I know, they’ll be okay and this is the Lord’s plan.”
I felt guilty for crying. I felt like I was doubting God. But the Lord reminded me that I’m grieving. I’m grieving a relationship. I’m going to miss them. Period. And it’s okay.
I did the same thing when my daddy died. I remembering vividly yelling out to Jesus, “Why am I crying??? I know he’s in heaven. I know he’s in paradise! Why am I crying??”
I’ve concluded that grief is a part of our life on this side of heaven. There is no escaping it. I’ve realized that our bodies need to process the loss we feel. It is not a sign of weakness. It’s the way our bodies and how our hearts heal.
I fought it with the death of my daddy and to no avail. Grief hit me again at La Guardia when leaving New York WITHOUT Kiani. I remember walking to our gate when I realized he’ll never be moving back. I distinctly remember telling Ernie, “He’s never going to live in Bakersfield again.” Heavy, heavy sigh.
What has helped me cope is recognizing that our children are designed to grow. It isn’t God’s plan for them to forever be under our care. It’s a time for us to focus more attention to our spouse. He has perfect plans for our kids. Who am I to stymie their growth?
It’s been almost a week since Ilyssa and Charlie have moved to the other side of the world and the Lord has helped me through my sadness and sense of loss. FaceTime has also helped too! Ha ha! The Lord reminded me that the emotions I’m enduring are the instruments He uses to help me surrender to Him. As a strong willed woman with type A characteristics, I have learned through the many “goodbyes” in my life how to trust in my Lord instead of myself.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
My need for peace has deepened the doorways for my need of intimacy with my Savior. This is why Jesus left paradise to live on earth. I have assurance that Christ is entirely good because the Lord has met my every need in every circumstance of my life. Even saying goodbye to my children. The Apostle Paul was telling the Corinthians here about a difficult situation he went through…
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (ESV)
For all of my future empty nest friends that will eventually have to say “goodbye” to their lifelines of joy, and who are diligently documenting the “lasts” in their lives….lean into the pain with Jesus. It’s normal to cry and feel sad. This is not heaven yet. Don’t try to be strong. Or as Queen Elsa sings, “Let it go!” and trust in Jesus.
“Jesus answered them, “Do you finally believe? In fact, you’re about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I’m not abandoned. The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” John 16:33 (MSG)
I’ve looked up some articles and blogs that might help as you navigate your new normal. The sadness will come upon you like waves of the ocean. Stay and abide in our Savior’s presence. I’ll be praying for all of us.
Highlights from USA Today:
- Shift aside the terrifying thoughts.
- Explore the ways that you intend to keep in touch with your children.
- Understand what empty nest syndrome is, so that you can recognize the symptoms in your own situation.
- Accept support.
- Start looking to your own needs.
- Rediscover the love of your life.
Grown & Flown. Parenting Never Ends http://grownandflown.com/category/high-school/
Celebrating the Empty Nest http://www.christianitytoday.com/biblestudies/articles/churchhomeleadership/celebratingemptynest.html
KELLI ROMERO -International Ministry Speaker 