Author: Kelli Espiritu-Romero

Surviving Spiritual & Narcissistic Abuse – The Benefits of Self Caring

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

This was the first time I experienced “self-caring.”  

I was advised by my counselor to “self-care” as it is not “selfish.”  I was perplexed by this idea as I have never thought about this concept.  I know of women having a spa day or girls night out and so I thought I’d give it a try at a conference I was speaking at in Pasadena Ca

There is something refreshing to chill and relax…intentionally.  I spent some quality time praying, journaling and spending time with Jesus.  I’ve become a fan of self-caring as it’s important to stop….and allow the thoughts and ideas we have to fully develop and be documented.  Everyone has a system of innovating.  Some people go on a retreat or spend the weekend at the beach, whatever they need to do to wind down and self-care, I say do it!

May all of us who serve the Lord be found worthy of the call in our lives.  May we be found consistent in living a life that is pleasing to our King.  May we self care so we can properly reflect Jesus.  However big or small your circle of influence is, you are influencing  a soul and you will be held accountable for that soul when heaven fills your eyes.

Be a legit follower of Christ.  When you fall and fail…fall and fail forward.  Cast down your pride and take the call in your life seriously!  I was let down by those I looked up to and loved.  I was mistaken thinking those men had my best interest in mind.  Christ has our best interest first and foremost.  The Lord does place people in our lives for His purposes.  For me, the people that were in my life, started living for themselves and their own agendas.  I let them know I knew what was going on and they decided to cover the sin up instead of honoring the positions they had and biblically handle the situation.  They decided to not get mad and get even…. this is how abuse and hurt happens to those we are serving if we forget who we belong to,  that we have a responsibility to the flock and this earth is NOT our home. 

I pray I can help just one person that has been affected by spiritual abuse with my story.  I am healing and want to say..YOU will too.  All of this is survivable.  My prayer is that hope and God’s promises are revealed to you as well.

Questions?  Need Prayer?  Email me at kidmin.kelli@gmail.com

Surviving Spiritual and Narcissistic Abuse – How I Started My First Step of Recovery at KidMin Conference in 2011

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

It’s gratifying to listen to someone who has lived a life that you aspire to live.  In sports, you’ll find older athletes speaking to the up and coming ball players. Sharing their advice of what to do and most importantly what NOT to do.   There’s something special about the younger generation gleaning from the next.  We are inspired to hear how they succeeded and if we are honest, when they start to share their failures we listen more intently.  Why?  Because we don’t want to make the SAME mistake.

In ministry, I believe it’s just as important to listen and glean from “those who have gone before us.”  I am now in the category of what I call the “Seasoned Saints.”  I am 50 years old and I am more interested in whom I’m building rather than in what I’ve built.  I have about 30 years left on this side of heaven and I want to be found giving back and helping the generation that will be ministering to my grandchildren one day.

I am compelled to share how I took my first step in my recovery from being Spiritually Abused. I know there are others that are suffering in silence, frozen, because they don’t know how to take that FIRST step to healing.  I was so afraid that no one would believe what I was witnessing at church that I did not tell anyone in my hometown.  It was when I was 2,100 hundred miles away from home that I felt safe to open up and talk about my situation.

My first steps to my healing journey started in October of 2011 at Group’s KidMin Conference in Chicago, Illinois.  I was in month 2 of my 6 month forced sabbatical and I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

I’ve attended many conferences in my 23 years of serving, but I never imagined a conference could literally change my life.  It was at a conference,  I received personal attention to a very private matter.

Praise the Lord for The Shelter and all who have served in this ministry.  The Shelter was a place Group set up at the conference center for prayer support and free counseling from licensed counselors.  It was surreal that me, Miss Kelli, the Director of Kid’s Ministries, would sign up to meet with someone I didn’t know, to explain the abuse that I had no clue I was suffering from.  Being so far away from California, helped me to feel safe and I liked the fact I would talk with someone who was there to listen and even advise.

I met with Patti Gibson.  I don’t remember all that I shared, but I know I felt better and I had hope!  Patti was so very kind and empathized with me and my situation. She was truthful and I felt cared for.  My first step to my recovery was with someone I didn’t know but the Lord knew he’d use Patti to help me start to get my life back on track.

At the conference the Lord also allowed my path to cross with Seasoned Saints like Lisa Bruney, who spent close to two hours with me, sitting on the orange coaches outside a workshop.  Lisa listened intently to this traumatized KidMin Director.  Lisa graciously ministered to me and frankly told me that I was not alone.  She shared her own personal story of church conflict and told me the way the Lord provided for her.  That gave me hope that the Lord would do the same for me.

Lisa and I at KidMin in 2013


Looking back, another part of my healing was due to the fact that I connected with other KidMin Directors and Pastors at the conference.  Distance didn’t matter when I needed prayer.  When I was suffering,  I was frightened and I couldn’t turn to anyone in my own church and city.  I was in secret mode and wouldn’t dare tell anyone in my church the information that I had.  Exchanging phone numbers and private messaging safely via facebook literally became my prayer lifeline.

Throughout my healing journey I’ve made a conscious effort to surround myself with those who offer biblical counsel and who tell me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.  Currently (six years later), because of the KidMin Conference, I’m part of a supportive Facebook group “Thriving in Transition” that ministers to me each time I go the page.  I’m forever grateful for my long distance brothers and sisters in Christ like Lisa, Nikki, Gloria, Pat, Carole, Anthony, Greg, Stef, Peggy, Suzanne, Kathie and Francine.  I still call upon them today .  I get inspired by their lives as I follow them on social media.

All of this started at a C O N F E R E N CE 2,100 miles away from home!!!!  So what’s the take away?  What would I have you learn?

  • Don’t be embarrassed or prideful to seek out help.
  • Use the venues provided for you such as the counseling services at the next conference you attend.  More and more conferences are offering this service or something similar.
  • Believe the Lord planned the service with YOU in mind.  It can be your first step to healing as it was mine.
  • Stay connected with your ministry friends.  You may call upon them or they may need your shoulder to lean on.

 

Steps I took that helped me survive Spiritual Abuse:

  • Confide in a trusted friend, mentor or counselor.  Simply have a conversation about what has been going on in your life.  They will be able to identify there’s a struggle that’s unhealthy.  They can direct you, pray with you and more importantly become a safe place for you. Talking about it, helps you heal. Even AT a conference.
  • Make a decision to distance yourself from the abusive environment. Leave. Unfollow people on social media. Take a different route to a destination.  I treat my abuser like an ex-boyfriend. I got rid of all the things that remind me of the relationship. Why traumatize yourself?  Self care is NOT selfish.
  • Follow through with the above decision.
  • Seek help from a reputable Christian counselor or mentor on a regular basis. This breeds healthy accountability.  Now is the time you need to surround yourself with wisdom.  There is so much to UNLEARN.  There’s healing power in knowing how you are doing week to week or month to month.
  • Get educated about Spiritual Abuse and Narcissistic Leaders. The more understanding you have, the less you are influenced and affected by the past. They wanted to keep you in the dark.  You will acquire tools to defeat and unlearn things that cause you pain. There will be some reminders that are out of your control, but at least you’ll understand your situation and will be more equipped to handle them.
  • Keep a journal either video or written.  This helps you document your healing as well as helps you sort out your thoughts. YOU are not the cause of this!
  • Surround yourself with other survivors. Spiritual Abuse has been ignored for decades.  It has been part of Christian vocabulary recently with the Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill controversy.  Not everyone will be able to relate your story.  Others that have experienced what you have experienced are the best sounding boards and can offer you the best advice.
  • Remember vengeance belongs to the Lord I was a mandated reporter and I fulfilled my duty. However, resist posting on social media your distain and anger.  I did not blog for months because I did not want to regret what I wrote.  I knew I my emotions were not at a place that would please the Lord.  What gives me satisfaction is that everyone will stand before the Lord and give an account of their lives.  The Lord knows ALL about our story, the Lord will judge, it’s His battle.

 

 

 

 

Surviving Spiritual Abuse – A Description of my Abuse

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

In describing the abuse that I endured it’s better to first share what it was NOT:

  • I was never told that if I don’t do something I wouldn’t be going to heaven.
  • I was not physically or sexually  abused.
  • I was not told to tithe more or to donate this or that to earn my way to heaven.
  • I was not told to wear certain clothes or asked to have a certain hairstyle.

I was abused by a narcissistic leader who was highly skilled on manipulating feelings and distorting the truth for his personal gain.  He would test our allegiance to him by talking about others and invite others to agree with him.  He used the pulpit to gain influence with others.  He’d include them in his sermon so they would feel like they were included in his inner circle.

Here’s a helpful article by Mary Demuth’s blog that may describe your situation:

Spiritual Abuse: 10 Ways To Spot It

http://www.marydemuth.com/spiritual-abuse-10-ways-to-spot-it/

In the video I describe what I went through by reading the definition of what abusers do.  I write about this for understanding, NOT to rehash or tear an old scab off of a wound.  

When I was searching for help online I had a hard time finding someone who experienced the same spiritual abuse as me.  I desire to provide a place for clarity and to offer help to you so you can move forward and start to wrap your head around what happened to you.

In the video I shared that I ran into a family from my old church.  I was not given the opportunity to say goodbye to the children I served.  So when I saw Jade, I just wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was proud of her.  Here’s the picture of us at the McDonalds:

image
Seeing families that are still at my old church is getting easier.  The first 3-6 months after I resigned my heart would race when I would see families at the store on at an event.  Now, I wouldn’t hardly  know anyone there as many of the families that I was close to have also left that church.

Here are the definitions of spiritual abuse for you to review.  Hopefully you can gain insight and clarity to your situation:

Jeff VanVonderan, author of Soul Repair writes: “Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.”

Dr. Ronald Enroth, Professor of Sociology at Westmont College, defines spiritual and pastoral abuse this way:

“Spiritual abuse takes place when leaders to whom people look for guidance and spiritual nurture use their positions of authority to manipulate, control, and dominate.”

Dayna Drum, contributing author at revelantmagazine.com wrote:

“Spiritual abuse is similar to other types of abuse, but it’s committed under the banner of spirituality. It can be subtle or painfully loud—anything from unquestioned pastoral authority, to practices of shaming members if they don’t fulfill religious expectations, to badmouthing members who have left.”

In the book Healing Spiritual Abuse, Ken Blue compares other types of abuse with spiritual abuse:

“Abuse of any type occurs when someone has power over another and uses that power to hurt. Physical abuse means that someone exercises physical power over another, causing physical wounds. Sexual abuse means that someone exercises sexual power over another, resulting in sexual wound. And spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds.”

Another definition of the term spiritual abuse is found in the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen and it states:

“Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.”

How I wish I could see your face as you read the above definitions.  Some of you may not even realize you’re in an abusive situation until the clarity found here in these definitions.  You are not alone.  You are not going crazy.  You ARE seeing it right.

All in all, Spiritual Abuse is when someone in a key leadership position at church manipulates and takes advantage of you for their personal gain.  The abuser has worked hard at mastering the skill of manipulation.  The deceit and maneuvers are effectively subtle that you are unaware you are being used.  Because of your respect of their position, you assume they are above doing wrong and are above sinning in the manner in which you have witnessed. They have covertly earned your trust, which causes you to dismiss the sin, believing they are held accountable by others.  But often never are…

Hope this helps you on your recovering journey.  Need prayer or have a question? Please reply or email me at kidmin.kelli@gmail.com

Surviving Spiritual Abuse- It’s Time To Take Back Your Life

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

 

April 13th, 2015

I love and serve in ministry but the other love of my life is softball.  It was because of a softball scholarship in 1989 that I moved from the Central Coast of California, Santa Maria, to the Central Valley.

In retrospect, coaching softball served as a form of therapy for me and became a way for me to find a glimpse of reality the last 7 years I was on staff at church.  It was like “chap stick” is to chapped lips for me.  Haha!  Softball wasn’t frustrating to me like ministry was.  Softball helped me release the stress and tension that I didn’t know was building in me.

Here’s a photo of me when I first returned from a 6 month forced sabbatical.  (March 2012)

Notice my hair?  My bangs were the result of breakage and I had a mini mohawk on the top of my head.  I didn’t realize it at the time,  but the stress I was under caused my hair to fall out and become brittle!   My emotions were all over the map.  I didn’t even put it together.  I was in “survival mode.”  Our body must release the stress in order to function and for me it was via my hair.

When we go through a traumatic life event, the pain can blind us and inhibit our thinking. That’s why it’s recommended we don’t sign important documents after a life changing event. 

During my alone time with Christ, I would journal and beg for the Lord to show me what it was He wanted me to do. I was confused. I knew something was wrong and I felt like a hypocrite by belonging to that congregation. 

Screen shots from my 2011 journal:img_9922

In the video above, I was understanding my situation more and more each day and because I was gleaning understanding, I was starting to gain back my confidence. I resolved to stand up, dust myself off and take back my life and be the one to write the narrative of my story.  Instead of reacting to the shenanigans of my abusers,  I was empowered and began to name the sin….SIN!  The place, the church, that should have been a sanctuary was a place full of lies, half truths, deceit and crime!  I was feeling freedom.

I am blessed to have placed around me mature mentors that I’ve confided in since 2005.  They wholeheartedly counseled me for years to leave the unhealthy environment I was in. Even though it took me years to act upon their counsel, they each empathize with me now and did not judge.

After my decision to resign, it was important for my family to find a church.  We decided to attend a large church in town.  We sat in the back.  I prayed to be invisible and that no one would notice me and my family.  We had never been to another church in 23 years.   I would weep during worship. Every time.   I did get friendly smiles and then surprised looks.  I could read their lips as they asked their husbands, “I thought she was at ______”

I saw families that used to attend my old church and words were not needed to explain why I was there…it was just understood.  That in and of itself was validating.  The church I had left, had hurt others.  And now it had hurt me. That added to my resolve to focus on getting better and getting healthy.

Here are the steps that helped me survive Spiritual Abuse:

  • Confide in a trusted friend, mentor or counselor.  Simply have a conversation about what has been going on in your life.  They will be able to identify there’s a struggle that’s unhealthy.  They can direct you, pray with you and more importantly become a safe place for you. Talking about it, helps you heal.
  • Make a decision to distance yourself from the abusive environment. Leave. Unfollow people on social media. Take a different route to a destination.  I treat my abuser like an ex-boyfriend. I got rid of all the things that remind me of the relationship. Why traumatize yourself?  Self care is NOT selfish.
  • Follow through with the above decision.
  • Seek help from a reputable Christian counselor or mentor on a regular basis. This breeds healthy accountability.  Now is the time you need to surround yourself with wisdom.  There is so much to UNLEARN.  There’s healing power in knowing how you are doing week to week or month to month.
  • Get educated about Spiritual Abuse and Narcissistic Leaders. The more understanding you have, the less you are influenced and affected by the past. They wanted to keep you in the dark.  You will acquire tools to defeat and unlearn things that cause you pain. There will be some reminders that are out of your control, but at least you’ll understand your situation and will be more equipped to handle them.
  • Keep a journal either video or written.  This helps you document your healing as well as helps you sort out your thoughts. YOU are not the cause of this!
  • Surround yourself with other survivors. Spiritual Abuse has been ignored for decades.  It has been part of Christian vocabulary recently with the Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill controversy.  Not everyone will be able to relate your story.  Others that have experienced what you have experienced are the best sounding boards and can offer you the best advice.
  • Remember vengeance belongs to the Lord I was a mandated reporter and I fulfilled my duty. However, resist posting on social media your distain and anger.  I did not blog for months because I did not want to regret what I wrote.  I knew I my emotions were not at a place that would please the Lord.  What gives me satisfaction is that everyone will stand before the Lord and give an account of their lives.  The Lord knows ALL about our story, the Lord will judge, it’s His battle.

Need prayer or have a question?  Please email me at kidmin.kelli@gmail.com

 

 

 

Surviving Spiritual & Narcissistic Abuse- What Was Meant For Evil, God Uses For Good

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

March 28th, 2015

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. — Genesis 50:20 NASB

For those who do not know, I have served in KidMin, Children’s Ministry, since 1991.  I have also been speaking and teaching at Conferences for the past 15 years.

The Lord put it upon my heart to put together a workshop titled “When Your Life Is Interrupted”  There are many interruptions the Lord allows in our lives: job change, a move to a new part of town, a move out of town, prodigal child issue, health scare etc.  So when creating this workshop I knew I’d be testing the waters in regards to sharing about my spiritual abuse.  I did not go into detail.  I did not name my former church or former pastor.

I did know there are others out there suffering in silence as I did for 7 years.

If I could help them respond to their interruption, whatever it may be,  in a way that pleases Christ, it would be considered a win for the day.  I learned much by going through and devouring the book by Debbie Alsdorf, “A Woman Who Trusts God.”

  • I have learned that we cannot control our circumstance, but we can control our RESPONSE to it.
  • Whatever is happening to us, it’s so God can work something in us.
  • Acknowledge that this “thing” is a test – testing what you believe, not how you behave. This test was ordained just for you by the God who knows what you need.
  • The situation does not have to change for you to find peace, but your reaction to it changes when you have faith.

Here’s the link to her book:

http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Who-Trusts-God-Finding-ebook/dp/B005WVIUJK

As per the video, when Daniel stopped me after my last workshop, I did not know what to think.  But as soon as he shared he had sat in one of my workshops about 5 years ago, I knew exactly what he meant.

Five years ago, I was right smack in the middle of my abuse.  I was frustrated.  I was confused about my Pastor who was supposed to be a positive example to me.  My frustration spilled over into my teaching.  I was in need of a shepherd that cared for the flock.  Instead I was under a shepherd that manipulated.  Spiritual Abuse is soooooo subtle and the effects so real!  I agree that I was aggressive in my opinions back then.  I understand why…now.  I was trying to navigate through the hypocrisy of my leader.

The Lord has used this unfortunate circumstance to help me sand off the rough edges of my personality.  I am more empathetic and I can relate on a deeper level to people’s pain.  The Lord has used evil for good.

What ever state you are in currently as you deal with Spiritual Abuse, God is still on the throne and He has a plan.  You may not see it clearly right now.  But our God is faithful to complete the work He started in you.

There are many worship songs on Christian radio today, but this one by Danny Gokey ministered deep to me personally.  In bold are the words that spoke volumes to me.

“Tell Your Heart To Beat Again”

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to beTell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat againBeginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begunTell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

 
Here’s the link…be blessed
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

Surviving Spiritual & Narcissistic Abuse – More Thoughts 10 Days After Diagnoses

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

 

March 8th, 2015

I remember this day fondly as I got to share my story with a colleague that resigned 18 months before I did.  It was important to me to tell him because he endured some of the same abuse.  I wanted to share the hope I found by finally telling someone what happened to me…and to him.

My prayer is by me sharing these random thoughts, you can feel like you are not alone.

Your abuser wants you to be confused and for you to feel that you are the only one going through this.  That’s also how he or she ensures they are not exposed.  They count on our loyalty to the ministry to keep quiet and not question their motives.

It’s validating when another person can relate to your traumatic experience.  Sharing… has been a huge part of my healing journey.  By others relating to my experience and explaining what was done to me, I was determined to fight back and take back my life. My advice is to find a reputable Christian counselor or a seasoned Saint or turn to your mentor to confide in.  Not everyone is mature enough to digest your story.

I used to think that NO ONE would ever believe what I witnessed.  The situation was so twisted.  In the video, I’m not sure how to describe the people that I used to go to church with. It’s so foreign.  But I learned, I was beginning my “new normal.”  I would now be seeing people I used to worship with.  I accepted it and it’s part of my story.  Just like I’ll be making new friends and becoming close to other families now as I move on.  That’s something I’ve never considered until this happened.  They’ll be more “new normal” things for you to consider as you heal.

At this point of my journey, March 8th, 2015, I was on my way to healing. There was a boatload of more healing to be done, but I was ecstatic to be heading in the right direction.

My purpose of vlogging about my abuse is to help others like me. When I first was diagnosed, I searched online for helpful resources. The article below written by Shawn Nelson is one of the best I’ve read so far. It’s a long read but I pray it gives you answers you’ve been searching for and some clarity that you so justly deserve.

http://geekychristian.com/spiritual-abuse/

 

Surviving Spiritual & Narcissistic Abuse -Feeling Freedom

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

Confessions of a Mama Who Misses Her Son

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

 

imageimage

I just returned from dropping off my baby boy at the New Mexico Military Institute. Heavy sigh.

Our family was blessed as the United States Merchant Marine Academy sent Kiani as a sponsored “prep,” to NMMI.  He’ll attend 2 semesters to prepare him for the rigorous military life at a Service Academy.

Kiani is my youngest child and he was sooooo ready to take his education to the next level.  Our family has already experienced sending our oldest off to school. My daughter Ilyssa is a Master’s College graduate, has a full time job and lives at home with us and my middle child, Jordan.  Jordan is entering his junior year as a Music major at Cal State Bakersfield.  I realize I have 2 out of 3 of my children still with me. So why am I sad?  I know I still get to be a “mom” to a daughter and son.  I know, I know, I know!

Not gonna lie…. I miss my son, my heart sill hurts and is swollen with bittersweet sadness as Kiani starts the next chapter in his life.

Anyone who knows me well can say it doesn’t take much to make me happy.  I don’t require a lot of attention, I coach softball, love to watch sports, love ministry, and I consider myself a low-maintenance type of gal.  I also have the privilege of serving the  families of my church, celebrating and supporting them in their good times and in their bad.

So as I begin to navigate the feeling of loss that’s welling up inside of me, I thought it would be easier than this.  Grief is felt when a loved ones dies, but it also manifests itself when there’s separation or major change.  We grieve what “used to be,”  a type of loss.

My heart is swollen as my mind replays the videos of Kiani turning on ESPN, opening and closing our blinds, parking his car, playing basketball and turning off all the lights before going to bed.   In all honesty,  I’m disappointed in myself as thought I’ve had over a year to prepare myself for his departure .  I also disappointed myself in January 2013 when my daddy passed away.  I was blessed to lead him to the Lord in 1993, so I know I’ll see him again and thought with all that knowledge, his passing is something I’d handle well.  But I found myself weeping more than I thought I would and the profound void I felt was horribly overwhelming.  Triggers like white Cadillacs, Costco and NCIS still bring tears to my eyes. I’m surprised by my reaction as I come from a line of very strong women, I’m a child of divorce and my mom and dad were married 4 times…each.  Survival mode comes easy for me as a coping mechanism.

The Sunday before his funeral, I remember waking up and looking at the clock.  It was 8:00 am and I remember saying to myself,  “Oh good, I can catch the 9 a.m. service at the local church in my hometown.”  As I tried to shower and get ready, it was like a wave of grief was simply poured over the top of my head.  Bawling uncontrollably  I said out loud, “I know, I know, I know, I know!”  I was telling the Lord,  “I know he’s in heaven, I know I’ll see him again.  Why am I crying?” The next thing I knew, it was 12 noon and I had a pile of used up Kleenex next to me on the couch.  To this day, I don’t know where those 4 hours went.

I concluded, it didn’t matter how much I prepared for the day when my daddy would die.  It didn’t matter that I was a Kid’s Director and worked at a church.  It didn’t matter I knew for a fact my daddy was in heaven.  It didn’t matter that I’d already buried my mom when I was 28.  It didn’t matter that I’ve consoled many families and counseled them on loss.

My body HAD to grieve.  God’s design is that the loss was to be released somehow…to Him.

So at this stage of being a mom, it doesn’t matter that I’ve known over a year Kiani would go away to college.  I am sad.  I miss him and my body is designed to grieve, whether I act strong or not.  Just like Kiani and all of our children, I remind myself they are DESIGNED TO GROW.  This is what the Lord has planned.   This season will pass and the days will get easier, but for now heading into my new normal without my baby boy can only be done as I surrender it all to my Jesus.  It is only through the comfort of my Savior and the hope he has given us that Heaven is eternal, that enables me to endure.

Here’s how I’m letting the Lord care for my Mama Heart:

There are two things that are helping me currently cope with missing my son.

The first is a wonderful support group created on facebook recently for us moms with sons and daughters prepping at NMMI for the USMMA.  There are many Empty Nest themed blogs and articles on the internet. Here are some examples:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/biblestudies/articles/churchhomeleadership/celebratingemptynest.html?start=2

http://www.modernmom.com/c763efd0-3b35-11e3-be8a-bc764e04a41e.html

Maybe your blessed to be friends with other parents that are experiencing the empty nest syndrome just as you are, connect with them.

The second, but most important is God’s Word.

I love what Exodus 34:29  says, “When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord.“

After spending forty days in the presence of the Lord, God’s word says Moses’ face actually glowed. According to Pastor Jon Courson, “Moses’ face reflected the glory he had experienced on the mountain.”

  • Spend time in the presence of Lord
  • Be still at His feet
  • Take time to pray
  • Worship
  • Spend time in the Word

When we do the above, refresh and re-energize, our gloom is replaced by a glow.

Moses spent time with the Lord and that is a simple example to me and to us all who are dealing with loss, grief, betrayal, sadness etc.  I want to be found a woman whose face glows. I pray that I can light up a room when I enter it and yet not know it, like Moses.

Isaiah 40:31  “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”

 

 

 

Why You Should Stay Ahead of Your Kids Regarding Technology.

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

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Yesterday and today was my first time being on a web tv talk/radio show promoting one of my seminars, “Help! I’m a Parent of a Tech Savvy Teen.”  Thanks for having me Bakersfield.com

When talking about this issue, I’m referring to parents of teens and younger children.

From the feedback I’ve received, I’ve seemed to strike a chord not only with the parents who are my age, but the 20 something’s as well! These young men and women are telling me they wish they’ve had some sort of boundaries as they grew up with the world at their fingertips. Crazy!

Here are my reasons why parents should be ahead of their kids on technology:

  • Being educated keeps you in the know of what your kids are into.
  • It gives you insight into the world of your son or daughter.
  • It helps teenagers feel understood if parents have a clue or can relate to current trends they navigate every day.
  • It takes away the fear that can paralyze parents who don’t know how to benefit from technology.

Let’s be clear that I’m not promoting that parents become experts and start writing code. Bottom line, technology is NOT going away. I just pray for parents with high school or college age kids become empowered and that they don’t become that parent that wakes up to a world they no longer know.  I get it.  Technology can make one feel inferior in a heart beat.  But our God is bigger than all of the fears satan sends our way.  Parents DO have the power.  Dedicate 10-15 minutes a day and resolve to learn something new about social media or how to download music…whatever…just take the time and learn their world.

There’s a difference between being “up in all their business” and being aware of what your kids are into.  Helicopter parents…land the aircraft please.    One  benefit I’ve found with all three of my older kids is being educated about technology opens up opportunities for conversation. Your kids can even help you set up your Instagram account and be a filter for you. There are unwritten social rules about posting too many pics within thirty minutes etc.  Believe me, they’ll let ya know when you’re close to a violation.

 

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Here’s the link to my interview.  How’d I do?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ER-IKZpRXmo

 

Plan Something For Them Or They’ll Plan Something For You

~ Kelli Espiritu-Romero ~ Leave a comment

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“Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage – with great patience and careful instruction.”  2 Timothy 4:2

There are many challenges teachers face for those who teach Sunday School and unfortunately those challenges hinder many from leading in a classroom.  Below are normal tensions that are manageable simply by having a plan.  No child development degree needed.  Sunday school leaders across the nation are navigating their Sunday mornings well.  BE PREPARED!

1.   LESSON PREPARATION

“I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.” 1 Corinthians 9:22b

Realize teaching is a position of HONOR.

You don’t have to teach these children…you get to these children. Having this mindset is half the battle of fulfilling your commitment.  Ask to decrease as the Lord increases in you. If you’re a new teacher, pray against fear and for the Lord to calm your nerves as you help kids grow closer to you.

What does this look like?

BE PREPARED

This is done by reviewing your lesson on Monday for Sunday. Gather supplies before Saturday and put them in your class or in your car. Review the activity page and make copies for color pages early. Run through the lesson each day at loud or even in front of mirror. Fear takes its grip when the unknown is lurking around the corner.  Defeat that line of thinking and study your lesson. 

ASK QUESTIONS

If you’re concerned with anything..classroom supplies, curriculum or snacks, ask the person in charge about it.  Check to see that the supplies you’re assuming are in the room are really there. Make sure they work. Talk to someone if you have questions or need help setting up the tech you are planning to use.  Knowing these things are taken care of can ease your mind.

ARRIVE EARLY

This gives you time to make preparations that can only be made at the last minute. You can also ensure the room is as you expect it.

REVIEW GUIDELINES AND EXPECTATIONS

Especially if you are new teacher, every time your class meets take a quick minute to establish guidelines and expectations. Setting two or three rules or “traditions” for your classroom will save you from conflict later.

FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIPS

Learn the names of the kids in your class…parents too!  Think about how you feel when some one in authority knows your name? Tell kids about yourself, share appropriate life moments… even find a picture of yourself of the grade you are teaching. They may actually believe you were once a 2nd grader. Model the relaxed friendship you want kids to have with each other.

2.  PERSONAL PREPARATION

“Now it is required that those who have been given trust must prove faithful.” 1 Cor. 4:2

When you look out over a classroom full of “Turbo Tommy’s,” do you ever hear yourself saying. “Why I’m doing this?” Were you excited to volunteer for this ministry, or were you made to feel guilty or thought you’d fill a need?

There are many wonderful reasons to teach kids, but guilt and obligation are not on the list. Guilt may prod you along, but it will never empower.

How can you personally prepare? Take a deep breath and be honest with your answers.  

What does this look like?

TEST YOUR MOTIVE

Ask yourself, “Do I want to teach?”  Kids need and deserve to be taught by someone who enjoys being with them.  There are many personality or gift tests out there.   A good teacher says, “I choose to be here.” But a great teacher says, “I want to be here.”

LISTEN FOR YOUR CALLING

Ask yourself,  “Am I called to teach?”  To thrive in kid’s ministry, or any ministry, you must sense of calling from God.  Fast, pray and ask close friends and mentors to join in prayer with you.

EXAMINE YOUR HEART

Ask yourself, “Do I have a servant attitude?” You know if you’re a servant by your reaction when you are treated like one. Leading requires our time, discipline and commitment.

Teachers don’t teach because they have to, they teach because they can’t help it. If you are called, gifted, and motivated by a desire to serve, God has a group of kids waiting for you He has the perfect place for you to serve.

3. MANAGING THE UNEXPECTED

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Proverbs 19:21

If there’s one thing you can count on when teaching kids, it’s that you can’t count on things going as planned.  

Has this ever happened to you?

  • Out of town guests…ALL ending up in YOUR class.
  • Snacks for 10 kids NOT 15.
  • Shortage of craft supplies
  • Parent helper is sick – AC isn’t working
  • Pastor goes over an extra 20 minutes.

Sound familiar?  The solution is all about ADAPTABILITY.  And realizing you don’t have to be perfect.

Ways to handle the Unexpected:

  • Knowing you’re lesson is VITAL. We should know it without looking at our notes. This is beneficial when behavior problems arise.
  • Think about why it is easy for your to share how you were saved? YOU KNOW why, because it is FAMILIAR.
  • Identify those “Turbo Tommy’s” & “Debbie Downers”  That way you can pray specifically for the situation and or avoid trouble.
  • Have a plan to handle interruptions.  Seek advice from your Director or Kid’s Pastor.  They have been in your shoes before and I guarantee they can share some tried and true methods that have worked for them. 

The bottom line: Kids should leave your class knowing Jesus a little better whether they’ve been there for 15 minutes or 90. Only God can make that happen each week. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you with the ability to make brief moments of time count for eternity.

4. DISCPLINE IN A LEARNING ENVIRONMENT

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather. Serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13

When a child defiantly asks, “Why do I have to sit down? How do you respond? Most of us grew up with the answer being , “Because I said so!” How’s that working for ya?

If you know of a discipline issue that is hard to deal with, ASK the one in charge for support and ask how they have handled similar situations. Glean from seasoned teachers or volunteers.

God gives us the freedom to choose, so try this approach. Give kids a voice to make a choice.

LET THE KIDS CHOOSE THE RULES

It’s great to set guidelines with your class. To create a sense of ownership, et them have a say in the rules. Start with three basic suggestions:

  • Respect others
  • Take care of our resources
  • Participate with enthusiasm

LET KIDS CHOOSE THE CONSEQUENCES

Sometimes even when kids set their own expectations, they don’t live up to them.

It’s too easy and anyone can remove a child from the environment. But that also keeps them from learning and in my experience, a way out. Give two or three options instead:

  • “You can either choose to participate with everyone or choose to spend time at the quiet table. It’s your call.”

Or give a choice of consequences:

  • “You can either be my partner for this activity or spend time away from the group. You decide.”

If you’ve given choices and the child breaks the rule again, take away the privilege to choose.

  • Say, “I’m sorry. You’ve been given choices and the chance to make the right choice. Now it’s my turn.”

When you give kids power to choose, they’ll learn that they have power over their own behavior. And you won’t be seen as the disciplinarian.

Adapted from Keith Johnson, “Teacher Training on the Go”

What are some things that have helped you succeed in the classroom?  Please share!  I may use them in my next workshop.